An Ugly Period

I think I’ve subconsciously been avoiding writing about Wolfie’s defiant period because it’s not exactly pretty. But, since this is all about the real Wolf, his defiance is a part of him, one that I have a lot of trouble understanding. It started Feb. 1^st over taking a bath. He refused to get in the tub and I wound up forcibly standing him in it and hurriedly dumping water over his crying screaming form – an ugly scene. Since then he’s picked various times and places to assert himself with loud crying and pulling or pushing against you (OMG! A tantrum!?!) – most of the time it’s not in public, except for Walmart by Becky’s house where he decided he didn’t want to go in once we got just past the cash registers.

I thought I was getting a handle on it with time-outs (which really means making him sit alone in his room until he stops crying.) He can’t stand to be alone, so this really registers with him. He’s gone from several outbursts a day to just one or sometimes none. Whew? Still, he freaked last night when he had to come upstairs and put his PJ’s on (not enough warning maybe?) And then, hopefully the last battleground of this period is actual sleep itself. Wolf refuses to fall asleep ‘on purpose’ – he won’t allow himself to be still long enough. He demands that I sit at his bedside, “Mama can I have you for just a little bit?” It sounds so utterly sweet when I write it, but when you’re actually sitting there nodding off yourself and all you want to do is go to bed, you feel a bit differently. Once I said no and left the room and he literally screamed bloody murder for half an hour, while I yelled ‘Go to sleep!’ from the living room – I have no idea how Mattie slept through it – a really ugly scene. AND the remedy was I STILL went in and knelt by his bed!!

I tell him, “Close your eyes or I’m leaving,” and he complies but dances his little hands around in the air ever so slightly – just enough to keep him from drifting off. I plead with him in clear desperation, “What can I do to help you go to sleep?” to no avail. If he does ‘allow’ me to leave (only on the promise I’ll be back to check on him) he just comes out. Sometimes I let him sit with us on the couch for a few minutes thinking that will help. Last night it did not. I finally left his room at 11:25 and he was still awake. I told him that we’re not doing this anymore and tomorrow there would be a spanking if he didn’t cooperate with going to sleep…

Refreshment

5:18 pm – naptime – solace? Didn’t the Nazi’s torture their prisoners by making them move huge mountains of boulders and rocks from one corner of the prison yard to the other, only to have to move them back again? And this pointless-ism broke people. I totally understand it. Not that I’m saying motherhood (specifically SAHM’hood) is akin to torture, just that it includes a grossly consuming amount of seemingly pointless repetition. Seemingly is important here because you really cannot be there for your kids if you are not there to answer the 300 daily why questions or return the cups to their nest time after time or constantly repeat the instructions for oral hygiene, etc., well I’m sure you get the idea.

At the beginning of the month I was lost in and to this very concept. I knew for certain that I love my children and wanted to prioritize my life to be there for them, but agonized over why I found it so unsatisfying and even, at times frustrating. Today, I have been renewed and my patience supplies replenished. Yes, patience is a commodity like orange juice that can be depleted and refilled. My dear husband refilled it yesterday by taking the kids out on his own for the better part of the day. Now their absence of course, freed me to do anything I wanted. Yet, I felt such immense guilt over being home alone that all I could do was housework. I kept thinking I needed to do something that I could not do with them home. But even that gave me the attitude adjustment I needed because I felt so refreshed and happy to see them all when they returned.

I suppose my satisfaction in SAHM’hood comes from personal pride in being there for my family. And it flies right out the window, the minute I begin to martyr myself by thinking I’m doing it all alone.

A Big Banana Poopie

“It’s a big banana poopie Mama!” Wolfie exclaimed enthusiastically as he viewed his achievement in the McDonald’s kids’ toilet.
‘God Bless the McDonald’s kids toilet!’ I thought to myself. Of course after our initial excitement wore off and I finally stopped hugging him, we had to discuss why it was green with little black dots all over it too (kiwis). That was a week ago Wednesday and since then, we’ve only had two poops in diapers: one the following day and one at church when I had left him in the nursery with Mattie. Oddly, we’ve been having a few more ‘peeps in the Pull-ups’ than usual but hey, I’ll take it!

So, I wonder, could this be it? Is he really potty trained? (Actually, I believe they’re using ‘learned’ nowadays, since ‘trained’ has such a gross animal feel to it I guess.) - Sarcasm, if you couldn’t tell -

Crankiness & me

5:21 p.m. - naptime - my only time alone. Sigh. Argh!! What happened to January? I am so very cranky today. Wolf has begun a stage of utter defiance (at least I hope it’s a stage!) and it’s just wearing me down. Combo that with little Mattie Screaming-Mimi and OMG what was I thinking!?! NO, I do so love my kids, it’s just that I’m becoming so weary of nothing going easily my way anymore - not even a trip to the store without an argument with one of them over putting on shoes or coats. Am I not the adult here?

I dreamt of documenting the sweet peaceful bliss of SAHM life in a poignant journal, complete with beautiful pictures, but alas, all I can seem to manage is to take a few pictures and make hurried notes of teeth eruptions and potty poops. It’s not what I thought it was going to be at all and I am definitely NOT in control of anything more than meals and occasionally clean dishes. I must be depressed because I cannot do anything more - I just look around and feel sick - I feel like crying right now but won’t since there’s really no point to that either is there? Could I be getting my period? Could all this emotional upheaval be merely PMS? I certainly hope so cuz I just can’t stand it! I desperately need an attitude adjustment!!

SAHM'hood is like...

Being a stay-at-home-mom feels a lot like living in another country. I have fond memories of friends I used to work with and nostalgia for my old daily routines like driving to and from the office, alone with the radio for a whole hour every day! Yet immersed as I am in the constant demands of a 15-month old and three-year-old, my former working life has faded quickly away.

I am most surprised by the difficultly of this new job, by how the simplest tasks of rising, dressing and eating breakfast can consume the whole morning. I still have trouble getting the three of us out of the house before 9:30 a.m. I am also surprised by how little time I have to make a note of Wolfie or Mattie’s latest accomplishments - and how quickly the days run together so I forget who did what when! I honestly thought by Christmas I would have redecorated every room in the house and sent out so many pictures of the kids that everyone would have my e-mail address blocked from their address books. So that offers a little explanation as to why you haven’t seen Wolfie’s very grown up 3-year picture.
See: www.catfamilywebsite.com

A few days I have felt completely exasperated, particularly when I was trying desperately to do a particular important thing like folding laundry or go somewhere special like to the portrait studio for 3-year pictures. I’m learning a lot about reading my kids to gauge their readiness for a particular activity and finding that a little flexibility goes a long way - even if it’s just waiting until the end of a show to leave the house. I’m also becoming the queen of fruit snacks and diversions. My very best tip so far is to save the toy aisle at the grocery store for last - they get a reward for being good and you get a little time to sort through your coupons and make sure you got everything on your list.

Most days though I feel so blessed and lucky that I am able to bask in the joy of childhood every day: Mattie’s pride in walking or covering her eyes for peek-a-boo, Wolfie’s wild abandon on his trapeze or can’t-keep-still thrill at petting one of the cats. Mattie’s tiny voice saying ‘Maa maaa’ is the sweetest sound, especially 50 times a day. Even hearing Wolf say ‘Mama!’ 300 times a day still reminds me of my joy when he first said it.

I live now on the other side of the world in this small cocoon of love, where I’m free to wrestle on the floor, have hour-long tickle-fests and make endless play-dough pizzas. Someday I might get around to sending out postcards or attempting some other adult-type connection, but for now my life is completely full with just loving these kids.