Thursday, February 17, 2005


5:18 pm – naptime – solace? Didn’t the Nazi’s torture their prisoners by making them move huge mountains of boulders and rocks from one corner of the prison yard to the other, only to have to move them back again? And this pointless-ism broke people. I totally understand it. Not that I’m saying motherhood (specifically SAHM’hood) is akin to torture, just that it includes a grossly consuming amount of seemingly pointless repetition. Seemingly is important here because you really cannot be there for your kids if you are not there to answer the 300 daily why questions or return the cups to their nest time after time or constantly repeat the instructions for oral hygiene, etc., well I’m sure you get the idea.

At the beginning of the month I was lost in and to this very concept. I knew for certain that I love my children and wanted to prioritize my life to be there for them, but agonized over why I found it so unsatisfying and even, at times frustrating. Today, I have been renewed and my patience supplies replenished. Yes, patience is a commodity like orange juice that can be depleted and refilled. My dear husband refilled it yesterday by taking the kids out on his own for the better part of the day. Now their absence of course, freed me to do anything I wanted. Yet, I felt such immense guilt over being home alone that all I could do was housework. I kept thinking I needed to do something that I could not do with them home. But even that gave me the attitude adjustment I needed because I felt so refreshed and happy to see them all when they returned.

I suppose my satisfaction in SAHM’hood comes from personal pride in being there for my family. And it flies right out the window, the minute I begin to martyr myself by thinking I’m doing it all alone.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

A Big Banana Poopie

“It’s a big banana poopie Mama!” Wolfie exclaimed enthusiastically as he viewed his achievement in the McDonald’s kids’ toilet.
‘God Bless the McDonald’s kids toilet!’ I thought to myself. Of course after our initial excitement wore off and I finally stopped hugging him, we had to discuss why it was green with little black dots all over it too (kiwis). That was a week ago Wednesday and since then, we’ve only had two poops in diapers: one the following day and one at church when I had left him in the nursery with Mattie. Oddly, we’ve been having a few more ‘peeps in the Pull-ups’ than usual but hey, I’ll take it!

So, I wonder, could this be it? Is he really potty trained? (Actually, I believe they’re using ‘learned’ nowadays, since ‘trained’ has such a gross animal feel to it I guess.) - Sarcasm, if you couldn’t tell -

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Crankiness & me

5:21 p.m. - naptime - my only time alone. Sigh. Argh!! What happened to January? I am so very cranky today. Wolf has begun a stage of utter defiance (at least I hope it’s a stage!) and it’s just wearing me down. Combo that with little Mattie Screaming-Mimi and OMG what was I thinking!?! NO, I do so love my kids, it’s just that I’m becoming so weary of nothing going easily my way anymore - not even a trip to the store without an argument with one of them over putting on shoes or coats. Am I not the adult here?

I dreamt of documenting the sweet peaceful bliss of SAHM life in a poignant journal, complete with beautiful pictures, but alas, all I can seem to manage is to take a few pictures and make hurried notes of teeth eruptions and potty poops. It’s not what I thought it was going to be at all and I am definitely NOT in control of anything more than meals and occasionally clean dishes. I must be depressed because I cannot do anything more - I just look around and feel sick - I feel like crying right now but won’t since there’s really no point to that either is there? Could I be getting my period? Could all this emotional upheaval be merely PMS? I certainly hope so cuz I just can’t stand it! I desperately need an attitude adjustment!!